Thursday, November 10, 2011

Birthday eve

I'll be honest with you- Today was a bad day. A very bad day.

Today is the day before Carson turns 2.

The day started out badly and just got worse. Silas was sick, and fussy. Carson entered the scene fussy. Both only wanted to be held and both would not allow me any moment of rest.  Tantrums began after lunch and continued until the evening. I think that all in all there were about 10. It was bad.

As hard as I tried I just couldnt get myself to not be upset. And it wasnt even that I was so upset with Carson. I was furious today at a condition that we like to call SB. Spina bifida was my nemesis today. Now let me say that praise the Lord we didnt deal with any spina bifida problems today... per say. I think that I figured out Carson's grumpiness during one of his tantrums. He had his mouth open wide enough for me to catch the glimpse of molars. Me hating teeth is a whole nother post. They are awful too, but today my heart just hurt and it hurt deep because of spina bifida.

I want so badly to say that I have overcome this trial. That I am better than it. I want to tell you that it's fine... I know that the Lord is in control. I know that this is all a part of His great plan in our lives. I know that. And I know God is good. He has been so good to us through this trial. I know that these yucky tears and fears will not last long. They will quickly and soon be forgotten and we will move on.

On one hand I am so excited that Carson is turning two. This next stage (minus the terrible tantrums) has me so excited. There is more interaction, and more communication. Carson lately has been singing, and dancing. He chats with me although I don't quite get it. We read together, play together, he tickles me, he gives me hugs, he drives, :) he bats a ball, he races a car, flys a plane, colors. There's so much that he can do  now that he could not do just a year ago. I looked through pictures of this year- WOW. He has turned into a little boy.... sometime around the end of summer it just happened- BAM. I saw baby then boy emerge.

Today I kept thinking and hurting though. Spina Bifida.... Do you have to be here?? Why are you here? How do I get you leave?? Leave us alone and never come back. I don't really like you. As Carson gets older I have more fears about you. More unanswered questions, and I can't help but cry. I found out what you were just over two years ago, and I'm learning more and more that we are better than you. We can overcome you, and we don't have to be sad about you. I just want you to "take that" and take a hike. Can you?

This is my baby

Well my boy...

Tomorrow he turns 2

And we are going to celebrate!!! We are going to party!

He is so wonderful to me. So perfect and so amazing. He has made my life more joyful, and more meaningful. He makes me laugh harder than anyone.  He hugs me, and wraps his arms around my actual heart. I can't get enough of him, and I can't think of anyone that I am more proud of. He is strong, just ask him and he will flex and so you those giant muscles. Take that Spina Bifida.

You thought you had us here

But we have got you here

and here
and here

I could go on and on. I've got over 8,000 pictures of this boy, and millions and millions of blessings to count. Happy almost birthday sugar. I love you soooooo very much!


  1. Aww -Big Hugs and Happy Birthdays to sweet Carson and his wonderful momma! I hear you sweet friend - for every 10 amazing things about this life and our little ones - there is 1 ugly one. One worry to try and overshadow the happy. But don't let it. You are not alone in feeling sad, anxious, angry and frustrated by the things SB tries to take from us - we want our little ones to have EVERYTHING! Not just some things. And it hurts when we feel like they are somehow missing out, being cheated, held back - but when you look at his sweet face, and hear him laugh and babble some unintelligible yet adorable sentence - let that fill your heart with reassurance that no matter the heartaches along the way...our hearts as a family overflow with joy, blessings and love. Hug your little handfulls for me today. :) I hope sunshine chases away those shadows very soon. <3

  2. I can't believe that Carson is 2. How is that possible? So sorry you were having "one of those days" I hate those days. Rest assured that we ALL have them. Those days where SB rears it's ugly head and it's all we can do to keep our heads above water, but just as quickly as they come, they leave and we are reminded once again what a blessing our boys are. That without SB, they wouldn't be who they are. They wouldn't be the little boys that steal our hearts every second of everyday. Love you Karen, and am praying that today bring nothing but joyous celebration of Carson!! Happy Birthday sweet boy!

  3. Happy birthday, Carson! I think us moms have a much harder time with this SB stuff than the kids do. He doesn't look at all sad. :)

  4. Hello!

    I stumbled upon your blog, and reading few of the entries has given me a very meaningful inside perspective about having a child affected by spina bifida. I am inspired by your courage and touched by the pictures of your family that I had to reach out. My name is Courtney Beyer, and I am the new Study Coordinator at VitaPath Genetics. Earlier this year, we successfully completed the first phase of our landmark study looking at the genetic factors contributing to spina bifida. In conjunction with our academic collaborators at Children’s Hospital Oakland Research Institute (CHORI), Stanford, UC Berkeley and UCSF, we recruited over 1,000 women and their child affected by spina bifida to participate.

    Our first phase produced promising results but, we believe that it is appropriate for us to replicate this study in a second, independent group of mothers. We are beginning our second study in early January and are reaching out to more mothers to participate. In order to reach as many women as possible, I would very much appreciate if you could include news about the study in your blog. I also have banners and buttons if you would like to post something on your site. In addition it would be great to connect with you via facebook (search SB Genetics) and twitter @sbgenetics.

    I would like to get in contact with you to share more information and answer any questions that you may have. Please email me at and visit This website gives an in depth explanation of the study as well as a link if you are interested in enrolling. Thank you for taking the time to read my note and I am greatly looking forward to being in contact.

    Warmest regards and happy holidays,