Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Some special days

Where to start??? So many things, So many pictures, so much to catch up on...

Isn't that creepy??? I took this picture just a few days ago... It literally made me scream. :)
Okay so anything from here on out should certainly be more lovely and you'll appreciate greater.

Like these..

 Waiting to find out boy/girl...

 As soon as I started to blow up my blue balloon I knew it was indeed a girl!!!

Girl #2 Expected to arrive January 31. :)

Girl #1 just turned ONE!!! yesterday, in fact.

 Enjoying donuts for breakfast.

 So here I tried to do a photo shoot of each of the kiddos holding their age number... :) Carson wanted the 2, Silas didn't want it because his was pink, there were pesky bugs flying around... and Elise just wanted to eat it and walk around the yard.

Fail... Thank you pinterest for another idea that doesnt work on real kids....

Take #2

Needs some editing by the talented Hub but I think those will work for now... :) Secret: Put the boys to bed.

So very hard to believe that she has already turned one, so very hard to believe we are just 4 months away from welcoming another sweet girl.

Blessed and blessed.

Today, the 25th of September 2013 is the four year anniversary of the day that we found out that Carson would have Spina Bifida. I was 32 weeks pregnant and had gone to see my OB for just a routine check-up... He did a ultrasound to check out the fluid level, and heartbeat. During the ultrasound he found what he was concerned was a ovarian cyst. He discussed it with us a few minutes and then sent us to the perinatologist to get a closer look. The perinatologist showed his concern immediately but didn't say anything... took a ton of pictures, asked me a few questions, and kindly asked us to join him in his office. I remember two things very well... He handed me a baby doll, and a box of tissue. Not much else is remembered.... two words... Spina Bifida.

We left with a large sheet of pictures, and broken hearts.

We cried outside the office, both Bob and I. The first time I'd ever seen him cry.

We drove home in mostly silence... tears streaming down our faces.

We arrived to a empty house, and felt nothing but more emptiness.

We started to Google.We would stop, because this brought more pain.

We called a few family to tell them the news.

We had more questions then answers.

We had every emotion you could imagine.

 I remember praying, "Lord, if it's better for him to not live, then take him." and I also prayed "I'd rather not live."

It's amazing that something would make you feel so vulnerable. I have known lot's of different trials in my life, i'd known loss, i'd known heartache but nothing so painful as the unknown of something.

That day was the hardest day of my life.

That was Day 1 of our journey.

In the days that followed we learned to just keep going, some days brought a glimmer of hope as we'd have good news in a ultrasound, or we'd read a beautiful story, and see pictures of precious children with SB. Some days brought more pain as a doctor would tell us our child would be a vegetable, they'd never talk, or walk, or have brain-damage.

Those days turned into the day we met our little man

And days turned into years, and those years moments and memories...

It was 1,461 days ago, and I could easily show you 1,461 photos (We have well over 10,000) of Carson.  Smiles, Laughs, and good times...

We've had struggles...We've gotten bruises, and scars along the way. It is hard. Raising a special needs child has been hard. We've cried alot of tears, and we've felt like giving up. We still have questions and no answers... We still have a long way ahead.

 But we wouldn't trade it for anything... We're on a journey. And we're on it together. With Faith, family, friends, and a whole lot of Mickey Mouse (Disney don't change your policies!)  I know now we're going to make it through. :)

Disney is our greatest stress relief

Because we're stronger! And God is good! His ways are not our own but His ways are always the best.

 Happy four year anniversary SB awareness day. :)

Monday, September 9, 2013

Welcome back to my blog...

Last post: Easter!!! Wow!!! Where have we been??? Did we disappear???  escape to a beautiful remote island to bask in it's quiet and solitude...


We've been here... a few times...

running from Giant chickens

 Oh we've been to Disney a few times....

 We've been home lazying around watching more cartoons than anybody should ...

 We even took a trip to Orlando!! Well I've Elise and I have taken two since I last blogged ...

 And we've gone to Chick-fil-a

 And Disneyworld!!!

 We've changed a few diapers... ;)

And the park....
 And M&M world ....

And we've ran... Well Silas has... I could stop here and tell you all about how this monster disappeared from us while we were at Downtown Disney Orlando. He was gone... completely gone. He had been chasing my nephew around and my nephew didnt realize but Silas got separated from him.... by God's precious protection we found him just a few minutes later....

 Back to Disney...

 Then to Tampa.. Silas and I decided it was best to not climb the tree...

We went to the zoo....

We have been in life... and although I have thousands of pictures I'd love to post today that would show you smiles, and laughter, and fun.... I'm not. I want to talk a little today about something different than that... I want to talk about truth.

Life is not always what you see in someones pictures... Notice these were all sweet pictures... Not these..

And these are all pictures from our wonderful trip to Florida as well, I chose to start here because I hadn't blogged these pictures yet.... But these are a different style and really who takes pictures when their is acting well "this way" But this is life too and I'm afraid if I'm honest these are not uncommon moments by any means .....

These pictures are all old.. they take us back to last March... Look at how little bitty the kiddos are!!! We have had a full summer since then and I will post more pictures at a later time to have them included to save into our memory blog.

But I sat this morning with a sweet friend of mine... and we talked a little more honesty about how life really goes... We're not all skinny, We're not all home cooks, We're not all super clean, we're not all patient, We're not all kind, we're not all put together. We're real!! We, including myself, throw fits. We make messes, We lose our tempers, We eat junk food. We're not super!! We're not perfect!

When I dreamed about having children and about the mommy I would be it looked nothing liked the reality does today. My kids eat chicken and fries out most days, they watch cartoons, they fight, they whine, I yell at them, I lose my patience, I have laundry coming out my windows, and my floors haven't been cleaned in a week.

I'm a control freak: It's my nature to have a schedule, a plan, and detail thing... I never envisioned that I'd be so grumpy, I never imagined I'd be so tired, I never thought they'd disobey, or not share.... but it's truth. We also do have "extra" things I never thought about before... Syrinxes, ditropan, Urologists, neurosurgeons, Wheelchairs, therapys, KAFO's. 

Some moments I praise God so loudly and I feel so strengthened by His presence and His peace, and then two moments later I cry, and pout, and whine, and feel so very weak and foolish.

Our society today is all about perfection... and all about expectations. Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, blogs... Forget baby weight... You should be bikini ready 4 weeks postpartum... Your children should go to preschool and be in college prep by the time they're 10. You should have it all together: perfect house, perfect body, perfect marriage, perfect children and if you don't then you fake it. But what happens when we all fake it??? We lose the ability to be real. Real is perfect... Real love, real joy, real peace... yes, we have real emotions too, and real fear, and real failure. But we're real and we realize that we need a real Saviour. And we need a real prayer life, and a real time when we fall into God's arms and say, "I need you! I cannot do this alone. I'm weak."

Having Carson, having children has changed my life.... I'm a stay at home mom. And it's not easy.. It's so much harder than I ever imagined... And I am not very good at it either... And more times than not I'm home: changing diapers, picking up toys, breaking up arguments, monotonous tasks that life really is about. And I , more than anything, want to be the kind of mom that loves and cherishes my children. I want to point them to Christ. I want them to know him. At the dinner table the other night Carson kept asking, "Where are we going? " and for some reason I answered, "I'm going to Heaven. " Well at that point we talked about Heaven and about how if we trust Jesus as our Saviour we can all be in heaven together." His answer filled my heart.  "I'm going to walk in Heaven. I'm going to walk with baby, and Mema"

"Lord, help me to walk in a way that doesn't please the world... help me to walk in a way that pleases you, and points these precious kiddos to you. So that one day we can all walk together along your streets of gold."

Welcome back to our blog friends... I've got so much to show you and catch up on. :)
Love from our corner to yours!