Thursday, September 30, 2010

Two things happened today that I would honestly have a very hard time believing if it were not for me being present.

1. It started to rain as I was heading home from therapy. Seriously, we are going through a typical Bakersfield heat wave. Today's high was 97 degrees and it was every bit that hot. But as I was driving and talking with Bob on the phone.... it was sprinkling.

2. Carson did this at therapy today.

OOPS--- See bottom of post. :) Then come back up here.

We started our session discussing the orthopedic appt. the other day and how we were still stuck in the hip brace. No bearing weight, no KAFOs. And it was so discouraging. His therapist and I discussed that we could work and work on army crawling but honestly this will be very difficult for him while wearing the brace.

You see, yesterday my heart broke as I witnessed Carson on his tummy with a desire to move, and not having the strength to do it. He could push up his body and rock forward, but the legs remained limp and motionless. Hard, hard, hard.

I discussed this with the therapist today..and became even more discouraged while Carson refused to even be on his tummy for us to try crawling together. But a few feet away was a wheelchair that was just Carson's size. His therapist said, "What if we just put him in it and wheel him around, letting him explore. maybe, we can get him to become a little more interested in exploring on his own. " I said, "Sure, let's try." Well as you can see not only did we just sit him in the chair. But he used it. It was amazing!!! Carson is almost 11 months old. He doesn't quite roll from side to side. He just started to hold his own bottle, and yet he knew how to move that chair, and he did it!!! I'm shocked. I'm excited, and I am so reminded that our kids are unbelievable.

As you can see.. He loved it!!! And I did too!! I have always been very apprehension of the moment that I had to see my child in a wheelchair. In fact, I've always been very against that moment. But here it is, the moment happens and I was so happy, and so excited that Carson could move. I did cry for a minute, his therapist and I both did, but we couldn't help but smile and cheer him on as he rolled... and laughed.

The rain came down today and all I could think about was how that rain was for us... It was the Lord himself reminding me that He is in control, and that He does give us miracles.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Part Two.

There is a gift that the Lord gives us every day and all too often we take it for granted.

Today will become a yesterday as tomorrow becomes a today.

And honestly about that next day I don't remember much. I am sure that we were still in shock and still in a state of disbelief. But we got up, and we had a good day. I do remember as I drove to visitation I heard my favorite song "Before you knew how to love me."

I thought of you long before I ever crossed your mind.
I held to you before your hands could hold to mine.
Before you walked, before you talked, before your eyes could ever see.
I loved you before you knew how to love me.
Oh how I loved my baby. All I could do at that moment was cry. My baby had Spina Bifida. My baby had a disability. My baby was.... and my heart ached for my baby. I had so many questions.  I didn't have any answers. I just knew that so many things were going to change. 

And now, just one year later. Things have changed.

The words to that song ring so loud and clear, So full of blessings and joy.

I've crossed his mind.

I've held his precious little hands, and he has held mine.

I've heard the cutest voice say Ma Ma and Da Da.

I've seen his eyes light up and smile.

And I feel more love for my baby boy than I ever imagined possible.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of yesterday.

The gift of today.

 And the gifts we have in our tomorrows.

When we first hear that our child has a disability, we worry so much because of the unknown.  We worry because we feel they will be incomplete.  Questions like "will my child ever walk" creep in and haunt us.  Then comes that magical arrival.  Maybe days, maybe weeks, for some even agonizing months - full of worry but also a large lesson in trust.  Then, we finally get to take that child home and from that day forward we begin to experience that, disability or no, there is absolutely nothing missing.  We begin to see that the only thing that was "incomplete" was our understanding of what love and family is really all about.  Concerns and worries about our child's future and well being - they are still there, but as that love grows, as that incompleteness of understanding is wiped away, the concerns and worries take their proper perspective and become much more minor inconveniences in a life that is more full than we could ever have imagined.

Friday, September 24, 2010

a year ago today

Just one year ago today.

I was 32 weeks pregnant.

Bob and I slept in a little.

I woke up feeling queasy.

I ate peanut butter pancakes.

Bob and I met with Dr. Fong for a typical check-up and were so excited.

We saw Carson on the ultrasound, he had hiccups.

Dr. Fong said, “That doesn’t look right.” Followed by “Those are really large cysts.”

I panicked, and he calmed me with the fact that he was pretty confident that the cysts were on me, not the baby. To help ease my fears even more he recommended I see the perinatologist and get a better ultrasound.

We made an appointment to see Dr. Fok that day but had a 2 hr. wait.

We went to Sonic and got a ice cream.

I cried because I was so scared.  Bob reassured me everything was fine, and we prayed together.

I didn’t stop praying.

We met Dr. Fok.

He did an ultrasound and asked me questions. Pregnancy related, Ultrasound related, family history…. Etc. Finally, he said, “I know the answers to these cysts, let’s talk in my office. I will explain it to you.”

We sat and waited for a few minutes while Dr. Fok grabbed a baby doll, a medical dictionary, a notepad, and a box of tissue.

I noticed the box of tissue the most.

We learned from the medical dictionary and then on the baby doll what Spina Bifida is.

We learned that Carson had this.

We learned I would have a c-section, I would deliver in Los Angeles, I would need to get a new obstetrician, and that everything we had planned was going to change…. Fast.

We left the office in shock and stopped just outside collapsing in each other’s arms.

For the first time I can remember, I saw Bob cry.

We both cried. For what seemed like hours we cried.

We got in the car and drove in total silence home.

We called our loved ones and told them the news.

We googled Spina Bifida.

We cried some more.

We met with our Pastor and family and prayed.

We had dinner with Bob’s parents, and left more pizza untouched than was eaten.

We went to bed and cried and prayed, cried and prayed until sleep overcame us and ended our day.....

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Remember to smile.

Oh bummer... why is it that whenever I get down in the dumps and I decide that I am going to throw myself a pity party for one.... something or someone always reminds me that I am so blessed and I am so fortunate.

Thank you friends!!!!

For reminding me

Everything is going to be ok

Saturday, September 4, 2010

This is just too funny not to share

Now on to Carsons first bike ride,

This has become probably our favorite activity, Carson loves it and we love seeing his eyes light up. :) Thank you all for your sweet comments about the expected baby. :) We are super excited but nervous in alot of ways too. The expected due date is early May. Please keep all four of us in your prayers.
Love from our family to yours!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Carson has a secret.

Hear ye Hear ye!!!

Carson has a big announcement
to make to all his friends and family.
Yep, I'm gonna be the Big brother
I can hardly wait!
Hands down, this is great news
Oh boy!!! That's what I hope it is.